Create your own one-of-a-kind pine rack

08.10.2008 04:00 Home - Source: Home Envy

Efficient people like my friend Hazel have already started buying Christmas presents. Hazel does not have trouble making decisions. Hazel can look at billions of gift possibilities and choose the perfect one. When I asked Hazel what's wrong with shopping on December 24th, she laughed. I didn't. Because shopping on December 24th is valid for three, no, four, reasons.

1. There's nothing left in stores, so decisions are easier.
2. A crappy gift is unforgettable, whereas a nice gift just makes people suspicious that you've done something you're trying to make up for.
3. People's expectations of your gifts (and you) should get lower with each passing year. (This is the origin of the phrase "She's aging well.")
4. The crappier the gifts, the more people will focus on the true meaning of Christmas - food.

If you over-delivered on previous Christmases and are feeling the need to reduce expectations, I have the perfect homemade gift for you to press on all of your lucky relatives.

The Knobby Pine Rack is a one-of-a-kind creation that lets people know how you feel, but without the drunken insults.

This is a rack that's always going to be covered up - by coats, sports equipment or bathrobes - and hence, suits any décor style. And here's another happy coincidence. It's butt easy. that's the same as butt ugly, only after a beer.

Your rack will be the talk of Christmas this year. Even if the talk is all behind your back. And then the following Christmas, you'll be able to give people gifts like bookmarks made out of strips of the waxy rind of a shrivelled pumpkin, and they'll be happy.

Steps to Knob Satisfaction

1. Get some knobs. Habitat for Humanity ReStores and weekend flea markets always stock used doorknobs from 50 cents and up. Some used doorknobs are mounted on spindles (round or rectangular metal posts); other doorknobs are just, well, knobs. It doesn't matter which you choose, although doorknobs without spindles are usually cheaper.
2. Get a board. the more rustic the board, the less precise your math needs to be, since perfectly centered knobs on a casual-looking board would just be overkill.
3. Drill holes in the board. Put some epoxy on the spindles of the doorknobs, and pound the spindles through the board. TIP: If you want the perfect, disposable glue palette, cut a pile of wax-paper rectangles and staple them to a board. Mix your epoxy on the top sheet of waxed paper, then rip it off and ditch it when you're through, revealing a fresh sheet of wax paper for your next gluing experience.
4. If your knobs have no spindles, don't be dismayed. Simply fit a length of hardwood doweling into the knob's throat and either screw the knob onto the dowelling - if the inside of the knob's throat is threaded - or whittle the dowelling to size and glue the knob onto the dowelling. then, drill holes in the rustic board to match the size of the dowelling. Coat the dowelling with white glue, and bang those knobs into place.
5. Offer yourself a beer. Accept.
6. After the glue has dried (20 minutes), turn the board over and saw off excess dowelling (or metal spindles) so they're flush with the back of the board. TIP: A hacksaw or reciprocating saw (fitted with a bimetal blade meant for cutting steel) are your best choices for cutting off metal spindles. BONUS TIP: A reciprocating saw is a trillion times faster than a hacksaw.
7. Hang that baby. Or gift-wrap it and stow it away for Christmas when it will surprise everybody with its individuality. Just like you do.

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