Readers share home-repair woes
28.02.2008 02:00
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- Source: Home Envy
Whenever I'm in an airport people stop me and tell me stories about their home repairs. Maybe they need to clear their consciences prior to boarding. Or maybe they're fleeing the country after a bad plumbing experience. Whatever the case, I've heard a lot of stories lately and I'm passing on the highlights because no DIY enthusiast is ever too busy to laugh at other people's misfortunes. And after the laughing stops, we might even respect the people who made the mistakes, because screw-ups are like fingerprints. They're all unique. Some of us are more unique than the gene pool will tolerate. But if we didn't make mistakes, who would the relatives make fun of? Not surprisingly the most harrowing home repair stories are spawned in bathrooms. Water is inherently sneaky, and often outwits the human intellect. So it's really quite a compliment when your spouse calls you dumb as a pail of water. One guy told me he was trying to repair a leaky tap. After four trips to the Home Depot for advice he still can't get the stem out of the tap. So he uses the traditional alternative to skill; brute force. He shears off the screw. So he goes back to the Home Depot, buys a new tap and faucet ($146) but finds he still has no idea how to remove the old tap. He calls a plumber who changes the fixture in 10 minutes ($90), telling the guy all he needed in the first place was a new washer ($0.39). My favourite plumbing story is a guy who decided to change the P-trap on his bathroom sink. The sink is one of the old wall-hung models with no cabinet around it, so finds he can sit cross-legged under it. He knows there's fetid water in the P-trap so he very carefully unscrews it and, still sitting cross-legged, calmly lifts the trap over his head and tips it into the sink without spilling a drop. Then he hears himself screaming at the shock of the cold water running out of the disconnected drain and into his lap. People who have done electrical repairs always smile as they tell their tales because they know they're lucky to be alive. One guy told me that as a teenager he bred budgies in a small room in his basement. There was a fluorescent light fixture hanging on the cold water pipe in the room. So one day the light stops working, An older friend from high school who claims to have superior intelligence deduces that the fixture needs a new ballast. So they buy one and the smart guy hooks up the new ballast but there's one wire left over. He figures it's not necessary. Trusting his friend's exclusive knowledge, our hero puts the fixture back together and hangs the unit back on the cold water pipe. There's a huge flash of blinding light as the bulb explodes and electrical current arcs through the house, causing a sibling washing his face in the upstairs bathroom to shriek as a giant bolt of blue light leaps from the cold water pipe under the sink to the nearby bathtub. Another guy reports that as he's installing a chandelier in his entryway, he's surprised at how well all the parts go together. He finishes the job, cleans up and sits under the chandelier admiring his handiwork. Then it hits him. The chandelier I mean. Falls right on his head. You've got to admire this kind of honesty, because if you don't you're likely to burst into derisive laughter. And that's not fair, because it's only luck that separates the rest of us from this kind of jam. And speaking of jam, a lady told me that years ago when she lived in an apartment she was expecting a painting crew the next day. She didn't have any spackle to fill all the little holes in the wall so she improvised with pussy willows and peanut butter. So if you're living in an apartment with little greasy spots bleeding through the paint, you have her to thank. And speaking of thanks, I appreciate the people who've shared their stories with me. It may not make you feel better to confess, but it makes the rest of us feel almost competent.
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